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Ask the Resident (Sex) Advisor

The Resident Sex Advisor answers sex-related questions from college students

Dear RSA,
My boyfriend is always calling me dirty names and asking me to call him Daddy while we're having sex. Why does he do that and what can I do to get him to stop?
Cindy, London

Cindy,
Some people like to engage in verbal play as part of sex. They do it because it turns them on psychologically, and it sounds like this is something that gets your boyfriend off. It can go along with acting out roles during sex, such as dominant/submissive and Daddy/girl (or boy). This is a normal way of expressing yourself sexually, and using your imagination to turn up the volume. So, chances are he doesn't not really think you are a slut, he's just saying those things because they get him hard. Same thing with him asking you to call him Daddy. He is trying to get you to play this verbal game with him.

However, it sounds like you're not really into playing, and that's where the problem is. Any kind of sex or sexual play has to be consensual for it to be fun and safe for both partners. You need to talk to him and tell him how the name calling is making you feel. Don't be accusatory and stick to "I statements": "When you call me a sleazy bitch while we're fucking, I feel degraded." He may be apologetic when he realizes that you feel bad. On the other hand, he may get defensive because he feels you are attacking him for expressing his sexual needs.

In either case, encourage him to talk about what those words mean to him, and how it makes him feel when he calls you those names in bed. It's possible that when you find out what's actually going on in his head, you might find yourself getting turned on and want to participate in his fantasies. Or you may be disgusted and want to break up with him. It doesn't really matter. What's important is that you honor your own needs and feelings, and that he respects them too. Of course, this is a two-way street and the two of you need to work it out so you're both getting what you want. If he has an overriding need to call you a cock-hungry whore, and you can't hang with that, you may need to part ways if you can't reach a compromise.

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