Worried that you don't last long enough during sex? Feel like a
“minute man”? Well, you’re not alone – not by a long shot. Premature ejaculation
is the number one question we get here – more than penis size, more than pregnancy, more than STDs, more than anything.
An Army of Minute Men?
Of course, you would never guess that premature ejaculation (PE) is so common, because nobody ever talks about it. Even if it’s really bugging them, most guys won’t even bring it up with their doctor. The truth is, almost every guy experiences this kind of tool trouble at least once or twice during his sexual career. And many, many more have an ongoing struggle with it. In fact, some statistics say 20 to 30% of all men experience PE. That’s around one in four. Way more guys have trouble with being too quick on the trigger than have a problem getting it up. That’s why we’re going to give you some straight answers on PE and what you can do about it.
How Long Should I Be Lasting?
The term “minute man” pretty much sums it up: if you shoot your wad in a minute or less after penetration, you probably have what would be called premature ejaculation. You might even come before you get it in. Technically, PE means you’re coming sooner than you want to or expect to during sex, you don’t have any control over it, and it’s stressing you out or making you feel bad. If you come in a couple of minutes, but you don’t mind and your girlfriend is cool with it, then there’s not really a problem. But if every sexual encounter climaxes with you saying to your date, “Oops, sorry,” then that qualifies as having a problem with PE.
Let’s Get Real
Of course, lots of guys have unrealistic expectations about how long they’re supposed to last while fucking, and even how long women want them to last. The guys in porn videos pound away for what looks like hours at a time, but that’s all staged. Like average penis size, stamina in bed is vastly overestimated. In real life, most men don’t really last all that long – some surveys put the average lasting time before ejaculation at about seven minutes, which means a lot of guys actually last less than that. If you’re young and amped up, three to four minutes is more like it. It’s simply not realistic to think that you should be able to fuck like a stallion for half an hour, then climax at will at the exact moment your expertly skilled thrusting brings your partner to a screaming orgasm. Believe us, it just doesn’t happen that way. And as far as what women want, the truth is, most women (60 to 70%) cannot come through fucking alone; even if you could go all night, they’d only get
sore. So a few minutes of intercourse is probably enough as long as you can back it up with some other sexual skills like fingering and oral sex.
What Causes Premature Ejaculation?
If you do have PE, there’s a small chance it’s being caused by a disease or a medication you’re taking, but this is rarely the case. Most of the time there is no clear reason for premature ejaculation, and doctors still aren’t sure what causes the majority of PE cases. Current theories focus on biochemical factors, such as how sensitive your nervous system is, or the role of the neurotransmitter serotonin. We can tell you for a fact what doesn’t cause PE. It is not caused by excessive masturbation, poor sexual technique, lack of willpower or control, or any personal inadequacy on your part. In other words, if you have PE, don’t blame yourself, and don’t worry too much about what’s causing it. Instead, focus on what you can do about it.
Proven Techniques for Lasting Longer
Probably the most effective way of dealing with PE long term, and the treatment most commonly recommended by sexual experts, is using a method like the stop-start or pinch technique to slow down your reaction time once you get turned on. These methods have been developed by researchers and sex therapists and have been proven to increase the amount of time you can last, as long as you use them correctly. They don’t work overnight, and they can take some practice to master. We’ll describe them briefly, but to really get the full effect, you should buy a book on dealing with PE that takes you through the process step by step. (“PE: How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation” by Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan is one of the best.)
The stop-start method is a technique that you practice first by yourself and then with your sexual partner. First you masturbate until you get close to the point of coming, or “ejaculatory inevitability,” and then back off. You wait long enough to let your erection go down a bit, then start stroking again.
Repeat this process several times before allowing yourself to climax. This takes some practice by yourself first, then you try having your girlfriend give you a hand job or blowjob,
stopping just before you reach the point of no return, and then starting again
once you've relaxed a bit. Once you get a handle on that, you move on to using the stop-start technique during sex, starting and stopping your thrusting to prolong the amount of time before you ejaculate.
The pinch method is similar, but instead of just stopping stroking or stopping thrusting, you actually pinch the head of the penis to delay orgasm and reduce arousal. Don’t worry – it’s not as painful as it sounds; the “pinch” is actually more of a “squeeze.” With your thumb and forefinger you (or your girlfriend) apply firm pressure to the top and underside of penis head, just above the ridge on the top side, and just below the ridge on the underside. This puts the brakes on the ejaculation reflex, like holding back a sneeze by pressing under your nose. As with the stop-start method, practice the applying the pinch when masturbating, then with a partner jerking you off or blowing you, then try using it during sex. It’s less convenient than the stop-start method because you have to actually withdraw to do the squeeze. The trick is to get the squeeze on in time to actually halt orgasm. A firm squeeze at the base of the penis may also do the trick.
The purpose of both of these techniques is for you to become more aware of the feelings in your body while you’re having sex. Most guys can identify that “no turning back” point when they know they’re going to ejaculate and there’s no way to stop it. By getting more familiar with what it feels like before you get to that point of no return, you’ll be able to slow down what you’re doing and prolong your enjoyment of sex.
More Techniques for Lasting Longer
Here are several strategies people try to last longer which you might experiment
with to see if they help:
Masturbating before sex. This can help by releasing sexual tension and taking some of the pressure off of you. Do it a couple of hours before you plan to have sex, not immediately before.
Distracting yourself. Some guys try various ways to distract themselves from thinking about sex during intercourse, like biting the inside of their cheek or mentally reciting baseball statistics, or thinking about something that’s not sexy. Most experts agree this doesn’t work very well, and it takes most of the fun out of having sex.
Wearing a condom. If you're not wearing a condom during
sex already to protect against STDs and/or pregnancy, you might find that
wearing one makes you last longer. Some guys try wearing more than one condom at a time to cut down on sensation more, but we can’t recommend this, and condom manufacturers advise against it. The friction between the condoms makes it more likely that they will tear. So try finding a thicker rubber rather than layering.
Using desensitizing creams. These creams contain a topical anesthetic that numbs your penis and may help you last longer. You have to be careful how you use them, though, because they can also numb out your female partner, and she probably won’t appreciate that. Apply the cream and wipe or wash it off thoroughly after it has taken effect. Or put a condom on over it (if you use a condom with a numbing cream, make sure the cream doesn’t contain oil or petroleum products, which will weaken the condom and may cause it to break). Some condoms (like the Durex Performax) actually contain a small amount of desensitizing lube on the inside to help delay climax.
Taking medication. If you talk to your doctor and tell
him you have a problem with premature ejaculation, he might prescribe you an
antidepressant to treat it -- not because you’re depressed, but because some of
these drugs can delay ejaculation as a side effect. The FDA hasn’t approved
antidepressants to treat PE, so not all doctors will do this. Viagra may or may
not help with individual cases of PE; it may
delay ejaculation, or it may reduce
the time it takes to get another erection after you ejaculate.
Finally, one way to deal with premature ejaculation is to reduce the pressure that you feel to perform in the bedroom by focusing on things other than intercourse and how long you can last. Like what? Like how to make her feel good without using your penis, because, like we said before, even if you could last all night, chances are all that banging still wouldn’t get her off. Learn everything there is to know about finger fucking and clitoris and the G-spot. Or become an expert in
cunnilingus. Then get her to orgasm first, before you start fucking, or get her close to coming before you enter her. Then, even if you don’t last very long, it’s less of an issue. Also, if you come too soon, you may be able to get another erection during the time you’re diddling your partner with your hands or tongue, and the second round
is likely to last longer for you. True, PE may still be an issue, and something you can continue to work on with the techniques we’ve outlined. But remember that your prowess as a lover doesn’t have to be defined by how long you last. Develop your other sexual skills and talents and you’ll feel better and more confident about sex, and your partners will be more satisfied. It’s win-win for everybody.
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