Ask the Resident (Sex) Advisor

The Resident Sex Advisor answers sex-related questions from college students

Dear RSA,
What can I say to my lover to get him mad so we can have some rough sex?
Tara, St. Lucia

Tara,
There's nothing wrong with enjoying rough sex, but I don't advise that you actually piss your boyfriend off in order to get it. If you say something to him that really makes him mad or hurts his feelings, it could backfire and mess up your relationship -- assuming that you want him to stick around. Trying to provoke your lover into abusing you just isn't healthy for either one of you. Neither is picking a fight with him so you can have hot make-up sex.

You probably get turned on by sex feeling a little out of control and dangerous. But it's really better to use your imagination than to create a situation that actually is dangerous and out of control. If you create a role-playing scene and really get into it, it's actually more likely that you'll get exactly what you want sexually. Just tell your boyfriend you want to have rough sex. Tell him it gets you hot to be pushed around, held down, called names, fucked hard, spanked, or whatever it is you want. But make sure it's clear to both of you that this is just an act - he's not really mad at you or trying to hurt you. Agree in advance that either of you can end the scene any time that you want, and agree on a "safe word" that you can say to signal that it's getting to be too much and you want to stop. If your boyfriend needs some encouragement to get into his part, maybe then you can try saying some nasty shit to him, but make sure he understands that you don't really mean it -- it's just part of the game you're playing in bed.

Any time you engage in sex that's a little "edgy," where you might get hurt physically or say or do things that could be emotionally upsetting to your partner, it's important to communicate clearly about what is going on, what you want, and what you are doing to each other and why. Both of you need to clearly express and understand what your limits are as far as what is and isn't OK, and be sure that the boundaries are really clear between when you are "playing" and when you are going back to real life. Yes, it takes a little more work to figure all this stuff out and talk about it, and it may seem like a drag at first, but it's worth it to get what you want in a way that is safe and psychologically healthy. For more advice, check out this article on negotiating sex.

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