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Ask the Resident (Sex) Advisor

The Resident Sex Advisor answers sex-related questions from college students

Dear RSA,
My girlfriend pushes me away when she starts to come and takes over with her fingers. Is this stingy or what?
JD, Indiana

JD,
Your girlfriend obviously knows what she likes. I can't fault her for that. But her behavior is making you feel left out and probably kind of redundant. It may seem like she doesn't trust you to get her off properly, that she's getting impatient, or like she'd rather just be getting off by herself. It may just be that she needs a very specific stimulation to come -- a certain pressure on a certain spot at a certain speed -- and she feels like only she can duplicate it. Some women just have trouble coming if someone else is doing them. Her behavior does seem a little selfish, because she is ignoring you and focusing only on herself and her own orgasm, but if that's what she needs to do to come, it's better than her not coming at all.

You should ask her about it and find out exactly what the deal is and why she feels like she has to finish the job herself. Let her know that it makes you feel left out and you'd really like to help make her come. If she needs to be diddled just so to climax, have her demonstrate her technique and see if she can teach it to you. Be patient and practice, and see if you can get it right. If she needs convincing, just point out that if you can do the work, she can lay back and totally focus what she's feeling and relax as she reaches orgasm.

If it turns out that she absolutely can only get off while touching herself, you may have to settle for acting in a supporting role. If that's how it's going to be, negotiate the hand-off during sex so that your feelings don't get trampled. If she can tell you, "I'd like to touch myself now," that's a little kinder than just shoving you out of the way. See if there's something you can do to help while she masturbates herself, like sucking her tits, talking dirty to her, or just holding her. That way you'll at least feel a little more involved, and you might even start to enjoy watching her finger herself.

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